


Hit the Ground

by allourheroes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Fallen Castiel, Implied Relationships, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-08
Updated: 2012-03-08
Packaged: 2017-11-01 16:01:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/358673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allourheroes/pseuds/allourheroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When I pulled Dean Winchester from hell, I never even considered that I would become…attached to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hit the Ground

**Author's Note:**

> Cas POV. I have a lot of Cas feelings and I wrote this forever ago, but oh well. Set after season six (AU-ish).
> 
> _"falling's not the problem, when I'm falling I'm at peace, it's only when I hit the ground, that causes all my grief"_ ("Falling," Florence + the Machine)

It’s so simple now to see where I went wrong.

I once heard a friend say--back when I had friends-- “hindsight is 20/20.”

I think I understand what he meant now.

I know now that I fell twice and that one certainly led to the other. When I pulled Dean Winchester from hell, I never even considered that I would become…attached to him. I began to follow him blindly. At the time, I thought it was only because he’d taught me freedom, now I see that it was much more than that.

Dean… He wasn’t like everyone else. The fact that I was an angel meant basically nothing to him. So, I tried to change his mind. I spent so much of my time trying to change him, but he changed me. When I rebelled, I did it for him.

Now I see that it was because I fell in the human way. Something my kind wouldn’t understand.

My love for my Father was not like my love for Dean Winchester. The first gave me my obedience, the second gave me a reason to question it. Now, of course, I know freedom was never meant for angels.

The feelings I developed for Dean were blinding and when my faith in God began to dwindle, my faith in Dean grew. I once told him I didn’t believe in him. I didn’t know it was a lie.

The more I did what he asked of me and the more human I became, the more I wanted to do whatever was necessary to protect him. I died for him. And each time, I hoped he’d see me differently. I didn’t know what I wanted. How could I?

Things never really changed for him. He continued on trying to save Sam from everything evil and when Sam jumped, he was broken. I tried to fix him but I only screwed things up more in the end. I endured hell for him, again, to pull Sam from the pit, but I was too eager.

When he and Sam reunited, he knew something was wrong with his brother. When they found out about me, they knew _I_ was wrong.

Dean didn’t understand my reasoning. He couldn’t see what I’d gone through to keep all of them safe, why I didn’t come to him for help. I would do anything to prevent his suffering.

He was my everything, but Sam was his.

I used to wonder why the plan had gone so horribly awry, but now I understand perfectly: He is the Righteous Man for a reason. His devotion for his brother could tear the world apart, and my devotion for him nearly did.

It was worth it because they have each other, as they’ve always wanted. And I have lost my usefulness.


End file.
